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Struggle

Alone again. The moment I cherish. For this single second I can be me. Ecstasy, I breathe in the comfort I find. Joy flows through my veins as I relish every miniscule moment. It washes over me, cleansing my tainted soul. Alone I find me.

I sit and contemplate me, but another few minutes and I may be dead. I drink to forget, but every sip brings me closer to thoughts and memories I run from. Everyone runs like me, I dare to think, as I shove another drink down my throat. Moments left. Where is that pizza I ordered at? Struggling too remember this time. I drift away, lost to all but my mind...

As I delve deeper into my mind, I discover the scariest parts of me I never knew I had. I reach deeper and deeper, hoping I will find a reason to keep going on with the journey. But alas I am hit with wave after wave of unhappiness. One more attempt...there! Some light at the end of my travels. Redemption is mine! I find the journeys end as I close my mind around the one true light left to me. I can rest easily now. I have found me. Alone in the dark, I am for now at peace.

Alone we, or I, must face these demons. Conflicted is my soul as I struggle through these hard times. I confront them head on, but I always fail. Alone I am weak. I am but a small part in the wheel that is life. I struggle on, constantly trying to better myself. But yet at every turn, more heartache emerges. I will find it. I cannot and will not give in to the hardships that have surrounded me.

I torment myself constantly. Reality has merged with fiction. Things a person never really expects to happen are forcing me to open my eyes. As I blink several times, I witness my own undoing. Stuck in this place, I realize all of my faults. They come rushing onto me, unheeded. Unleashed upon my weakened and tarnished soul.

I pass out with the fury of these dark thoughts overwhelming me. And, for just moments I find peace again. It lasts for mere seconds before it is interrupted as my subconscious slaps me in the face, bringing this depression into my dreams. I toss and turn as I’m hit with wave after wave of excruciating pain. Hoping and praying for an escape, I am imprisoned by my own mind.

Struggling, I awake. My room is a mess. Beer cans litter the floor, empty or not I do not know. Lost to myself, I attempt to stand up, but my weakness overcomes me. The darkness closes in and nearly swallows me before I fight back. Placing my will against these demons that still haunt me, I make it to the doorway.

Stumbling down the stairs and nearly falling, I find myself in the living room of my house. Darkness still encloses around me, but I don’t give in. I punch back. I reach the door and I swing it wide. My eyes close as the sunlight torments them, but still I push forward. I emerge into the open air.

I breathe in the smells, eyes still clenched tight. Remembering again what it is to live. Forgotten are the wicked thoughts, the lost memories that always boil to the surface. I REMEMBER! This is why I live. As the birds chirp and the days heat begins to creep up the temp, I find myself landed back into reality.

Opening my eyes, I wipe away the tears that form from the corners. I don’t give in. I relinquish nothing, and I am rewarded with a beautiful blue sky. Gone are those moments, those transgressions I care little to remember. Now it is me. It is my time, and I take back my life.

Hiding

What is that? OH! Of course I have them. HAHA Yes I know YOU want them, but alas I can not help you out. They are mine!

As I turn away from that wretched filth begging at my feet, a huge smile plays across my face. My eyes light up with the joy that fills me completely. I have no sympathy for that man, if you could even call him that.

It has been a long five years. Constantly, he finds me. Everywhere I go, every turn I make. All of my expertise has been wasted. He always finds me and he definitely has been trying to take them from me. I know he won't get them, but I now must find a much safer place. A place he will never look. That is where I will hide.

Five years, just the ending. Once we were friends. We were as one. The happiness we shared, it was amazing! Always together, inseparable, we lived as one. But now, I can not catch a break! This fool is relentless and it is threatening to bring me down.

I'll run as fast as I can. My spirits rise past the joy I already have been feeling, lifting me up into the heavens. I fly through the clouds, much faster than any one thing on this entire planet. I am untouchable now!

But wait. Something is wrong. Even though I am so high, something catches my eye. I see him. Just a speck so distantly below me, but I know it is him. He doesn't feel what I am feeling. I know for a fact he is unable to comprehend these emotions.

Slowly sinking towards the earth, I bring myself solidly back to the ground. Perhaps it is time. I have been away too long. Though I dread every moment of it, I know it is only I who can give him back these things I hold onto.

Reaching my hand out to him, I offer him all that I have. He feebly grasps onto me and pain wracks through my entire soul. I'm suddenly forced to remember. The reasons I left. The pain, misery, longing, and most of all, the sadness.

Though I am getting the raw end of this deal, I know it is best. We rejoin. Our emotions become one. His pain is now mine, but my happiness is now his. I can rest easy, I know I have done the right thing. I know it was wrong for me to hide so long inside his head..

Secret

Constantly afraid, I live in solitude. So terrified someone will find my secret. I run, constantly ducking and dodging. But, I think they have found out. They want me for what I carry. This newborn yet to be released into the world.

I find a moment of peace as I duck into a crevice along this building. I can catch my breath. I breath in deeply, fighting against the pain of each kick my brain makes. Urging for release, I want to give them what they seek.

I don’t know how much more I can take. My body tells me this is it. The time is now. But my conscience keeps me corrected. This secret…they can’t have. They will abuse it. They will bend it and twist it. Making something great and life giving into just another weapon at their disposal.

I relax a bit, exhaling the pent up rage that now flows through my veins. Releasing those moments of weakness. The thoughts that nearly lead me to my own ending. They are gone now, I can advance. Hell I’m nearly home, to my sanctuary.

Hell, funny how I bring that up. I fight to keep that possible ending away, yet I use it now in reference to my situation. Shaking off that thought, I find myself back in the street. Looking left and right, I see nobody. It is clear.

I venture forth. Running now, I close in fast upon my target. Swinging the door wide, I find my sanctuary. I’m home. I can now hide my secret much easier as I slide into my favorite lounging chair. Shaking off the nights evils, I relax for the first time in hours.

“Are you ok?” enters into my thoughts as I am nearly asleep. What am I doing? I need to protect myself. Could this be another attacker? I’m not sure as my mind awakens.

“Who goes there? Do you seek my knowledge?” I ask.

“It is your mom.”

I should have known, but my mind was fuzzy. I let myself slip. I fully awaken and know exactly what to do. This secret, it is much more important than I am. So I run. I don’t bother to respond or even greet my mom, I just leave.

Straight out of the door I came from. I enter a new and unexpected situation. The sun is shining brightly against me. Forcing me to squint and try to cover myself.

Not sure how much longer I can deal with my torment. I run straight for the river that is nearly two blocks from my house. It was night when I entered my house but now it is day, I slept for too long.

I near the river, I throw all caution to the wind. I prepare for my end. This secret I will die for. As I come to the banks of this river, the “Skunk River”, it is so fitting. I have hidden it, as long as I can. But today, this beautiful morning, it is over.

I will not give anybody my secret to life, I will not give them this secret to happiness. The thing that everyone seeks. I will bury it deeply into the banks of the Skunk, where it will be held tightly by her putrid smell.

As I say a small prayer to my God, I enter into its churning waters. I ask for forgiveness. The last thing I do. I jump in, fully submerging myself. I meet with the sandy river bed, I dig in deeper. As my lungs protest I give up this struggle and succumb, protecting this secret I keep.

Travel With Me

Tarry forth. Come along with me. This journey I call life. Sometimes it is sad. Actually most of it is. But occasionally I find ecstasy. Those are the moments you seek, yes? Travel with me. Together, we will experience them.

I, at one time, experienced happiness. It was pretty amazing. I enjoyed every second of it. But, like everything good, it was cut short. I still live on those moments. I find these small things, the reasons to live. I cherish them, I hold on to them, and I will never depart from them.

Why? You ask? Yes of course you do. It is rather simple. To throw away those memories, that is just stupid. “Live in the moment” so many say that. But I beg to differ. Live in your life. Remember what is great to you. Remember what is bad for you.

Strive to make yourself find the good and not the bad. Constantly fight back and push yourself forward. Make you into the person you want to be. Never give in, and definitely never back down.

It is your life, live it like you want too. Make you happy and everything else will fall into place. Of course, I didn’t bother to tell you about all of the hardships I have faced. It is kind of a raw deal I have given you. It’s just my insight I have to impart. Live for you.

Dreams

Wow! Hard to leave it, but I'm forced to lose that world. I was a god among men, yet the one thing controlling me said it was over.

I roll over and see my kitty next to my bed. As I pet him, I am unable to push aside those thoughts. So great it would be, having the world at my disposal. As I close my eyes and imagine it, I attempt to re-enter it.

It is a trivial pursuit, and of course it fails miserably. I swing the covers off of me and stand up. Not bothering to don any clothes, I walk down into this world. My world, the waking one that is my reality.

Stepping out into the sunlight, in nothing but my boxers, I look up into the sky. Beautifully blue, it creates a nice framework for the houses and trees that surround me.

As I stare up into the blue heavens, I once again dwell on last night. That dream, it was so amazing! I was a king and everyone bowed to me. Anything and everything I wanted, right at my beckon call.

Of course this wasn't my first time, in the land of dreams. But it reaffirmed to me how lovely it is when I'm locked inside my own head. The most imaginative things I have created!

There was that time, I begin to drift away as I close my eyes, where I was a motorcycle cop! Oh what a glorious time! I was partnered up with Taylor and her gorgeous solid gold sports bike.

Or that time! What a wonderful time, where I saved the world because I was the only one who could. Yeah that was pretty sweet, holding the lives of so many in my hands.

As this last thought starts to slip away, I open my eyes again. Back in this world of reality. Where I am holding only one life in my hands. Just my own now, I feel slightly jaded.

My mind, constantly thinking without letting me in on its thoughts. I run back up to my bed and hop in. I will reclaim you! These last thoughts travel through my mind as I fade away into sleep. Back into my dreams.

Friend

Friend? Where are you? Where were you in my most greatest time of need? You were there, when we first went swimming. That time we got in trouble for sneaking out. Oh! And don't forget that time we got a few ladies to hang out with us...

Now I need you friend. I feel alone. Your comfort I can not find as I struggle. I feel lost and most definitely alone. I cry out for you, friend! Please will you comfort me?

I know now I was wrong. I can't do this alone. You bring me happiness, comfort, joy. I long for your presence again. I need you in my life.

Stupidly headstrong I was. I now suffer from that mistake. I am weak without you. A tortured soul learning the repercussions of my faults, must I get on my knees and beg?

For you, I will friend.